At the 2014, Austin Film Festival, gift bags of custom fortune cookies and gag gifts were distributed as a promotion for the Altered America website. The fortunes and their explanations are listed below. It would be advisable to read the synopsis on the home page in order to understand many of the fortunes. Also note that the first three pages of the pilot episode are present at the "Sample" page.
KING DEFLOWERED! At Love/Hate Nest (included in the three page intro)
The King brings flowers to his estranged wife, the Queen, at a townhouse hide-a-way. Just as the Queen reaches to accept them, the paparazzi pounce. The flowers are crushed in the slamming door and the newspapers print this quote as a headline with the King's shocked and dejected face in the accompanying photo.
PUSH YOUR LITTLE CANOE BACK ONTO THE SHINING BIG SEA WATERS
When the King visits the Three Sycamores School, Magda pulls Star Spangle aside and tries to get her to stop pining (for her come and go love interest), and encourages her to flirt with King Christopher. She intends a vulgar double entendre and uses a pseudo-Indian quote from the poem, Hiawatha, both of which irritate Star Spangle.
WHEN HE SAYS GOOD-BYE, HE MEANS "HELLO"
Red Glare, the handsome and sculpted Indian brave, is practicing, as a ritual, one of the roles that sometimes occurs in Indian societies. He is enacting the character of the Trickster (or Trickster God). In the manifestation that he is executing, Red Glare is doing and saying everything backwards. He rides his horse facing backwards, walks backwards, and speaks in opposites of what he intends. After the King misunderstands Red Glare’s statements and says good-bye right after they have met, and offers no hospitality, Red Glare is offended and leaves. Star Spangle tries to explain what has just occurred.
YOU GONNA WANT CINNAMON ON THAT BLOW HOLE?
In Altered America, the popular coffee shop is the whaling ship themed, Quegqueg’s. Their style of cappuccino, the Mobychino, comes in a cup with cardboard handles that are decorated as a whale’s tail. The rest of the cup is painted as the whale’s body and face. The foam on top is dimpled at it’s peak and gets a straw in it’s center, with a portion of paper covering. The paper end is frayed to portray the spray from the blowhole. Like any cappuccino, cinnamon is an option.
STRAIGHT-AWAY? DOES THAT COME IN AN AEROSOL?
The wirey clarinet player, Vincent, is gay and has a half-serious crush on Kemba. He flirts with Kemba for his own amusement, knowing that it is all going over the bandleader’s head. When Kemba uses the british-ism, “straight away” (meaning immediately), Vincent muses and pantomimes spraying Kemba down (behind his back) with an aerosol that might make him gay, also.
NOW, IS THE WINTER OF...YOUR SORRY ASS!
When Darryl, who is feverish with flu, and over-medicated, comes late to work at the Medieval Adventure Restaurant, he sees that the King has been seated in the royal box; the place where Darryl always sits to play the role of the King. With delirium and blurry vision, he thinks that King Christopher is a rival co-worker who has usurped his position. Enraged, the frustrated Shakespearean actor (in his costume as King) mounts a steed and grabs a jousting stick, and after stopping in the center of the arena, declares King Christopher to be a pretender to the throne. The crowd roars. He then states this quote, before charging the real King in deadly earnest.
YOU MEN ALWAYS WANT TO BUY YOUR WAY OUT OF TROUBLE
After realizing how he has offended Star Spangle during the night out at the Medieval Adventure Restaurant, the King appeals to Magda for advice. He asks about what gifts he might offer for forgiveness - jewelry, perfume, champagne and flowers. The worldly Magda sharply straightens him out, pointing up Star Spangle’s ingenuousness and straight forward character.
YOU FIX FEELINGS WITH FEELINGS
The wise Magda continues to advise the King on how to sincerely make amends with the aggrieved Star Spangle.
YOU SPAYED MY TUBA PLAYER?!
The band members are bored at the hotel lounge and also become annoyed with the open-mouthed snoring of Ogden, who is sleeping on the couch. The chubby young tuba player is often the butt of their practical jokes. They hold a contest to pitch cocktail fruits from the bar into his mouth. Someone succeeds with an olive that has a toothpick through it. When Ogden begins to make choking noises, they rush him into the car to go find a doctor. Not knowing the small town, they can only find a veterinarian, who helps them. Crawdaddy, the trombonist, clumsily tries to explain these events to the King, and states that they got Ogden fixed by the vet; hence, the King’s incredulous statement cum query.
SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE NEW. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LOVE.
This is part of the conversation that Magda has with Star Spangle at Quequeg’s coffee shop, where they had arranged to meet. Clever Magda, playing the matchmaker, has also conspired with the King, to have him arrive a few minutes later to “accidentally” meet the women, so that he can mend fences with Star Spangle.
WE DON'T ACCEPT MONEY WITH THE CUSTOMER'S FACE ON IT.
When the bill comes due at the Medieval Adventure Restaurant, the King finds that his credit card is declined due to his wife’s profligate spending. He asks the serving wench if he can pay with English money. The King reassures her of it’s legitimacy because his face is on the money. As a mean-spirited, sarcastic jest, she pretends that foreign money would ordinarily be acceptable, but not in this case, because so many counterfeiters put their own face on the bills. Magda pays and tells the woman to shove off.
MATILDA GROLSCH? SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY THREW UP ON A KANGAROO
The Queen is very unpopular with King Christopher’s new friends. She is a former “ear model” (modeling for earrings) who acts like a spoiled super model. It is clear that she takes advantage of the King’s good nature and his wallet. Upon learning her maiden name, the sharp tongued, Magda, makes this remark.
I DON'T NEED ANOTHER WOMAN MAD AT ME - EVEN A TINY ONE
The King consented to having the children bring their “puppy” with them on their road trip to the capitol. Feeling duped and wondering why a 60 pound sheep dog was masquerading as a puppy, he learns that the dog’s real name is Poindexter. When the King protests that dogs should be named Scout or Max, or Blackie, Star Spangle explains that this is why people just say Puppy. She warns that little Gretchen is quite protective of her dog and that if the King makes fun of the name Poindexter, the small girl might throw a rock at him. This was the King’s reply.
YOU SAYIN', A METAL HAT TELLS YOU HOW TO RULE ENGLAND?
When the two affable, yet simple-minded gas station attendants converse with the King, they learn from him that England is technically ruled by “The Crown”, which is something like a corporation in concept. They can’t grasp the subtleties of the construct, and instead understand him to be speaking more literally. Realizing that the King’s crown is made of a metal - gold - they somehow conflate the fact with their tin-foil hat theories and believe the King to be communicating through, and obeying orders from, his crown. When asked, the King - a British citizen, freely admits to being an alien.
YOU ARE CHEESE NIBBLING, FANCY-PANTS!
After meeting with the President of the United States, the King comes away in charge of organizing the participation of other monarchs in a national jubilee that is planned to celebrate the history of the country and it’s origins. When he meets the arrogant descendant of (a bastard child of) Louis XVI of France, who is now the figure head King of that country, he begins to realize his growing affection for Star Spangle. The handsome and unctuous French King charms and delights her while at the same time he discreetly offends King Christopher with backhanded compliments and subtle innuendos. This is what the ever polite King Christopher blurts out in a moment of anger.
NO FORTUNE? HEY, IT'S A FREE COOKIE - BETTER THAN A KICK IN THE PANTS!
For those who are disappointed by the non-traditional messages in these cookies. Confucius say, “Count your blessings”.
KISS A WRITER TODAY!
This should spread some joy, and also, I thought I’d give you a flimsy excuse to make that move you’ve been putting off. You have until midnight! Good Luck!
ALTERED AMERICA seeks established representation for pilot promotion, and staffing positions.